You may know her as the Atomic Blondie, Mad Maxine or Bombshelle; however, I know her as the one girl in the movie where Will Smith has powers but he’s an alcoholic so it’s kind of weird and still and still no one knows why that movie was ever made, but everyone kind of wants a sequel. After a long and heated debate within the Sadfish ranks, the jury is still out on whether or not Charlize Theron is hot, or is she not hot.
Name Factor
Let’s face it, if you met Charlize Theron in a library you might assume her name is Shirley, but that’s surely not the case. She’s not even an Amanda, or a Charlotte. She’s a Charlize. Most people don’t know any Charlize’s unless you seen Charlize Theron in one of her many movies. Don’t dare give her a nickname like Char or Lize, or even Charl. None of those make any sense and don’t sound attractive. It’s a unique enough name that it’s remembered nearly instantly. This inability to divide her name into a shorter for would normally add points to the name factor; however, that would be arbitrary and would not be indicitive of her hotness, or not-ness.
You may have heard that Charlize Theron is a native South African; however, if you’re hoping that Charlize Theron has some very sophisticated pronunciation. You will be slightly disappointed, there is an old video out there which appears to show Charlize Theron saying her name with lots of accents and umlauts, here is a recent video of Charlize Theron saying “Charlize Theron”,
After careful analysis of the name Charlize Theron, she receives a score of 9 of 14 possible points for having 9 consonants in a 14 character name.
Points: 9/14
Cage Factor
She’s shown her ability to fend off bad guys in many films such as Æon Flux, The Old Guard and Monsters. Watching her kick and punch those stuntmen is sufficient evidence that she has the strength and capacity to punch herself out of a cage. Perhaps not a metal cage, but a cage which made of fairly strong material. Perhaps if the cage is made of some special substance that is easily destroyed by a bad ass woman rocking a super slick asymmetrical bob with a skin tight body suit.
Her ability to rock a skin tight body suit adds no points. That would be objectification. We don’t tolerate or promote objectification of anything here in Sadfish, not even suits, suitcases or cases that hold objects. The meat of the issue is that she’s only been featured alongside Nicolas Cage one time in Astronomical Boy. This would normally grant one full point but it was a voice over role. She is never seen physically standing near, with or around Nicolas Cage and thus she receives only one-half point of the possible 10 points.
Points: 0.5/10
Final Thoughts
With all things considered, Yes, Charlize Theron is hot. But you knew that before you even got here. But with a score of 9.5. She’ll need to work on those consonants and cage films before she can be re-evaluated.